December 17th: ΔΚΕ

I managed to nab DKE.

Top secret.

May post details at a later date.

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December 17th: Human Resources

IT’S CRUNCH TIME. It’s coming down to the fricking wire and I need to poop in so many places. I hit up Human Resources today after having a lovely conversation about payroll with the woman working there. Decent digs, nothing special.

BUT PEOPLE READING THIS. If you have access to any of the places I have left, PLEASE HELP. That would be awesome.

Ranking for Human Resources:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 2
Functionality 2
General Décor 1
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 1
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 15

December 15th: Senior Fauver

So I spent this whole semester, as a senior, believing I had to be let into senior fauver. Nope. I could have just walked in and used the public restroom on the first floor this whole time. Well it took a while to find it but it was a decent place. Bit dirty and out of toilet paper, but whatever.

Ranking for Senior Fauver:

General Cleanliness 1
Location 2
Functionality 2
General Décor 1
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 2
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 15

December 14th: Upward

So you’ve probably never really noticed but there’s this house next to the butts that exists and has some purpose regarding collaborating with public schools, as the sign says. I walked in and awkwardly asked to use the bathroom while some people were setting up for some party type thing. I was so ready to leave that place that I forgot to take pictures of the interior. It was just a standard older house bathroom. No biggie.

IMG_3501.JPG

Ranking for Upward Bound House:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 2
Functionality 2
General Décor 1
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 1
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 15

December 12th: Zilkha Gallery/Art Department

I tried to get into this bathroom once before, but couldn’t find it. So this time I tried again and thankfully nobody else was around. I went down the stairs and ended up in this crazy hallway full of stuff, and the door looked behind me. I had to find my way back up some other stairs and ended up in the art workshops across the walkway from the gallery. Start over. Walk up the stairs this time, and into the cubicle area where people work. Thankfully back in the kitchen, I found the toiled. It had another weird-arse lock, but was nice. Bonus thermometer number 6?

 

Ranking for Zilkha Gallery/Art department:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 1
Functionality 1
General Décor 2
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 2
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 15

December 10th: The President’s House

This is the moment I’ve been anticipating for so long. I strolled through the doors of MRoth’s manor. He was standing there, beaming at his guests, donning the red sweater he said he would be wearing. I walked up and he shook my hand, smile widening in recognition. “It’s right down that hall, to the right, then to the left.” I wound my way through the crowd of merry partygoers. To my right, then left, I found the bathroom.

Shock hit me, for I am a mere fool and couldn’t fully process the complexity of the lock on the door. Was there a lock? Is this movable piece on the handle the lock? Oh well, hopefully nobody walks in. The room was beautifully decorated. A stylish rug, an overflowing potted plant, exotic statues, antique light fixtures. I sat. I went. I wiped with the same green wrapped toilet paper we mere plebs use to wipe our bums in our mundane lives.

I washed my hands. The pump soap was emptied by the ravenous hordes of dirty hands before mine. But luckily, in a delicate dish beside the sink, I could use an wee bar of soap to cleanse myself. The second choice awaited me, two moistened hand towels? Or a box of soft paper towels? My germaphobic hands say paper but my environmentally friendly mind says clothe. I made the decision.

Before I left and totally forgot, I left a trinket behind. #THISISWHY, it said on the front. What was written inside? Who will find out.

I left, struggling with the mechanism on the door handle that turned out to actually be a lock and was holding me prisoner in this small space. But I’m not a complete idiot and managed to escape. Winding my way back through the party, I thanked our dear president and booyah-ed my way back home.

Ranking for The President’s House:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 2
Functionality 2
General Décor 2
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 1
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 4
Total 20

You can do no wrong in this matter, MRoth. Not on this blog.

December 10th: Religious and Spiritual Studies

I know this is a bit of a letdown with the big presidential poo coming up, but I wouldn’t post this otherwise. I held my morning movement until I could make my way the to religious and spiritual studies building, which also doubles as the Shapiro writing center. I love all these old houses that have been converted into office spaces. The bathroom had a shower and everything. The light switch was literally a button on the wall. Adorable.

Ranking for Religious and Spiritual Studies:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 1
Functionality 2
General Décor 2
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 2
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 16

IT’S THE FINALS COUNTDOWN

Hello everybody!

Finals are almost approaching, and I’m scraping by with this challenge.

I have 9, maybe 10 bathrooms left which means an average of one a day until my last final on Saturday, December 19th.

Senior Fauver, Eclectic, Payroll, Zilkha, Religious Studies, and potentially this other place on lawn should be cake, I just have to take the time.

Horgan house- I need some help probably.

DKE – If I’m not let in, I will just poop on your lawn somewhere.

Skull and Serpent – This will be my glorious final poop if I am not let in before the 19th. After my final, when the sun has set. I will literally go to the tomb and defecate on the porch. [In a bag, of which I will dispose, because I’m polite like that.] And in that moment I will be VICTORIOUS.

But more importantly,

PRESIDENT ROTH IS GOING TO LET ME IN HIS HOUSE. TONIGHT. 

I  was at the December Graduation Ceremony in his office, and built up the courage (with the help of wine) to talk to him. Here it is, roughly word for word.

Me: Are you having any more events in your house this semester?

MRoth: No, I don’t think I am.

Me: Well, would you like to hear a funny story?

MRoth: Sure.

Me: Since, as you know, I’m graduating early so I’m not doing a senior project or thesis or anything. I decided to make my own challenge to “use the bathroom” in every building on campus, including your house.

MRoth: …

Me: …Wesleyan…

MRoth: Okay, well I’m having an event at my house at “time” and there will be a hundred people there. You’re not invited, but if you show up, I’ll be wearing a red christmas sweater and can point you to the bathrooms down the hall.

Me: Thank you so much for having us here tonight.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. TONIGHT I WILL HAVE THE GREATEST POOP AND THE PRESIDENT WILL KNOW ALL ABOUT IT. 

December 6th: Hewitt

This is probably the winner for grossest bathroom yet. Paul and I didn’t feel like working anymore so we walked around campus and stopped by Hewitt for a moment. This place smelled nast, and the stall I went to had all this grody gunk on the floor. Bleh. Also I forgot to take off my lab goggles in this selfie. Wooooo.

Ranking for Hewitt:

General Cleanliness 0
Location 1
Functionality 2
General Décor 1
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 2
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 0
Bonus 0
Total 11 

December 4th: Russell House

On the same run, I found my way into Russell House. A woman asked if I needed anything because I looked lost. I answered, “Do you know where I could find a bathroom?” expecting to have to explain this entire shenanigan. But she just giggled and said something like “Oh, running will do that to you! It’s downstairs to the right.” HA. That was priceless. So I went down, this house seems old as balls but still really pretty. The bathroom had a little vestibule then a couple stalls, and a set of recursive mirrors that I’m playing with in this pic. Good times.

Ranking for Russell House:

General Cleanliness 2
Location 1
Functionality 2
General Décor 2
Availability 2
Toilet flushing mechanism 2
Toilet Paper 1
Hand washing 2
Hand drying 2
Bonus 0
Total 16